Noemi in Cirque Dreams Holidaze

Noemi in SportsEngine Olympic Commercial 30

Piano Tiles

https://youtu.be/wQDcLRFwh2w

Loss of a Birthmother

Recently, our family learned the wonderful news that my mother-in-law was contacted by a son who she had made an adoption plan for some 50 years ago. She was ecstatic to say the least. She explained that that was why she always had a special place in her heart for our little Noemi.  She loved watching us interact with her and just genuinely and naturally love her and that she prayed that he also experienced that kind of unconditional love from his parents.

My mother-in-law was able to meet her biological son on Saturday, May 12th, 2018, the day before Mother's Day. They had a beautiful intimate meeting, just the two of them like she had wanted and dreamed about for years. Sadly and unexpectedly, she passed away the following night. Noemi has lost her bubu (Marshallese for grandmother) and with this untimely passing has come a whole new series of questions regarding her own birthmother.

When we first told Noemi about her "new" uncle she was shocked (as we all were!), upset, confused and happy. She said she wanted to be the only adopted one because that made her special.  She wanted to know every detail about when and how he was going to meet Bubu. She wanted to know when she was going to meet him and did he know that she had a birthmom too. She wanted to know why my mother-in-law choose not to parent. We answered what we could and were able to meet my brother-in-law ourselves on Mother's Day.

Then she passed away.  Noemi became detached, caring yet distant and we could tell something was bothering her but she wouldn't talk about it.  We asked if she was sad about Bubu. She said she was sad but wasn't sure if it was because Bubu passed away or something else.  We gave her time. A couple nights later, she was able to tell us why she was upset. "Will Mama Rosita die after I meet her too? Is she still alive? What if she dies before I meet her? We need to go to Majuro now so I can see her before she dies!"  

Once again, as it has many many times on this journey, my heart ached for my little girl and I had few answers. Noemi was angry with God for doing that to her new uncle. For letting them meet then taking her away.  She kept asking if he was going to the viewing, if he was ok, who told him that she had passed away. And she kept worrying about not making it to Majuro in time. I offered to set up a FaceTime with Mama Rosita so she could at least see her that way but she didn't want to.  She wanted to fly out that very night. After the tears dried up and her mind relaxed, she understood that God needed his angel back and she'll go to Majuro when it's the right time. (We had initially planned on going this summer but she asked that we wait to go until we she was 10. She didn’t feel she was ready now. Her wisdom and maturity stuns us sometimes.)

She has moved on like the resilient child she is.  She is learning about life and death as we all did, with the births and deaths of our loved ones. But she’s also learning something I never had to: How to love and cherish someone you barely met and have no memory of and how she would process the news that might come from across the ocean one day.

I know how Noemi processes and I’m afraid that she’s going to hold back loving Mama Rosita to protect herself from what may come. We will need to help her nurture that love which honestly will be difficult as we don’t know much about her either.  But for now we just need to comfort her in her two losses; the loss of her Bubu and the loss of a relationship with her birthmother.

We have a Cover Girl!

headshot

Our likatu is 5 years old now and looking more and more like an actual kid instead of a preschooler. She sure keeps us on our toes!

Realizing loss

Today is our Family Day.  Today started tough.

Noemi put two and two together and realized her loss. She's realized Family Day is happy for us but sad for Birthmom.

Let me start at the beginning.  When we first arrived to Majuro on Dec 11th, 2010, we met our beautiful baby girl and her amazing birthmother. The next day both stayed with us for a couple days and then the day before court we were entrusted with her care. Because of all that, we prefer to celebrate the day we met instead of the day she was placed with us. 

Today we woke Noemi up with kisses and hugs and "Happy Family Day!"s. She was tense. Daddy asked her to sit by him and she refused. I had her sit by me as I did her hair. She was quiet. In the car, on our way to school, I asked how she was feeling. I asked if she was happy or sad about Family Day. She asked me, "what's family day again?". I explained, "well it's the day we met you and we all became a family." "So, it's the day my first mommy said goodbye to me?", she asked. My heart sank; I wasn't ready for this.  "No, we still saw her and she would come by to see you and hug you.". Silence. Then tears. Every question the trainings prepare you for; every sad "why didn't she keep me?""why am I not with her?" "I miss her" came flooding out. We both cried. At every stoplight, I'd reach back to hold her hand. I tried to explain the best I could that she was loved by so many but sometimes those who love us are far away but that doesn't mean they love you any less. I told her she was with us so she could go to school and have friends. She replied "I'd still have friends! I don't need to go to school. I wanna be with my mommy."  I told her she needed to go to school so she could learn and get smarter and one day, if she wanted to, she could go back to Majuro and work there or help there. She wasn't to convinced with my reasoning. I told her that one day we will all could go visit, maybe in a couple years. She liked that better.  As the tears dried up, I suggested we draw Momma Rosita a picture and at our celebration tonight at the Mall we could find things to buy and send her.

As the day goes on, she's been in class and having the luxury of working here, I've checked in on her. She seems fine. She looks happy. She's in routine. I know she's resilient and last time, she moved on after accepting her truth and it just became part of her norm. We shall see what the evening brings.

I knew this day was coming. I should have prepped for it better. I should have asked her if she wanted to celebrate, if she wanted to acknowledge this day. I just didn't think she was "there" developmentally. I'm still not sure if she is. Next year we'll approach this day very differently. Next year we'll ask how she wants to honor birthmom. We'll ask her if she wants to celebrate the morning of even if we've talked about it in the days leading up to it. Maybe we'll do something very simple like just a special dessert after dinner.....

We should also remember that Family Day INCLUDES birthmom. It's the day we ALL became family. It's the day Momma Rosita said, "Yes, I trust you both with this precious honor of raising OUR daughter." 

Such a learning experience for all of us every single day....

That's my girl! ;)

Little Ms. Smartypants :)

Our little Noemi is growing up! She just "graduated" from preschool and will be a kindergartener in the Fall. She was enrolled in a full day, everyday program at the school I work at, so we had plenty of time together. That wasn't always a good thing! 

Since her birthday is September 7th and the State of Minnesota requires kindergarteners to be 5 by Sept. 1st, we opted to test Noe for Early Admittance. She passed the assessments and we found out a lot about our munchkin. 

She was assessed in 3 areas: Academic, Social and IQ.

Academically: She's reading at a beginning 1st grade level and can do basic adding and subtracting. She can count to 100 and by tens and knows to count by 5's but never wants too. She wants to learn to tell time but doesn't believe me when I tell her she needs to count by 5's then. She can write out her whole name and nickname. She's also starting to write out sentences phonetically.

Socially: Noemi got to spend some time in a kindergarten room to be observed by the kindergarten teacher. We were told she participated in the dance activity and sat still to hear the story, then did the comprehension activity after the story. I believe she had to draw a picture relating to the story. She did all those things well and without much apprehension. 

IQ: We found out that Noemi has a nonverbal IQ of 139 (puzzles and such). Her verbal IQ is 111. So her average IQ is 128. We're considering a gifted and talented school for 1st grade but being that she's already the youngest, I don't want her to be the youngest in a group of gifted children. That might be very difficult for her socially or self-esteem wise. We have a year to decide so we'll see how kindergarten goes. 

Physically, she's growing! Noemi is now 41" and 40lbs. She's getting tall and lean and looks more and more like a little kid. I love the days when she actually eats a full meal and has a round little belly :). However, those days are few and far between. She still loves her fruit and veggies but is becoming more picky with meats and cheeses. She's a big fan, however, of "spring" cheese ;)

So that's our yearly update I guess ;). We're planning another trip to Springdale in a couple weeks so I hope to post after that to update on any new Marshallese stores or cultural activities we come across.

Until then my friends ~ Yokwe 😃

Diva

Noemi feels the need to change everyday after school...at least 3 times....   Weekends are the worse! This is a weekend outfit.

Waiting for breakfast.....

1990 dateline video about the RMI :)

http://youtu.be/pN3IP8bLJRI

A 15 minute video about the relations between RMI and the US in 1990.

Very interesting!

Mimi "reading"

http://youtu.be/OitruIXNABo

Noemi is child #2 "reading" a picture book :)

Likatu

She's getting so big =,)

Funny Mimi =D

Things I want to remember that Mimi has said:

First word: Hola (7 months)

First full thought she was able to express: I'm hot. I want agua.(1.5 yrs old)

Recite The Lord's Prayer (sort of) 2.5 years old 

This year she has started talking so much, everyday she says something funny or silly! Here are a few of my favorite "Mimi phrases":

" it's ok, it was an accident." - anytime she breaks/spills something.

" Papi is sickyface, that's why no hair" - although we've tried to tell her otherwise, she think shawn has Cancer and that explains his lack of hair :-/

" it's 'cause,  it's 'cause...." -whenever she tries to explain why she did something she wasn't supposed to.

" I told you, I no like those pants!" - explaining why she had an accident and had to change into a skirt at daycare.

" where's my sista Molly go?" -Molly is our dog

" it's ok, you still my girl" - When I accidentally forgot her backpack at daycare.

" ohhh, mommy wearing fancy pants!" -when I wear anything other then jeans.

" Papi a prince!" - if Shawn is looking extra daper ;-)

" I want the face! I want to eat the eyes!" - on what piece of birthday cake she wanted.

" Dye" -instead of Bye, which made it extra creepy when she just said it but didn't wave (about 1yr old)

" oh no, I can't, my knee hurts" - whenever we ask her to do something she doesn't want to do, like pick up her toys.

" what you said? I no understand you." - when you say something in English that she doesn't understand but once it's repeated in Spanish she gets it.

" Shake your booty! Shake your booty!" - while shaking and pointing to her booty in the middle of a Costco aisle. 

Noemi cracks me up at least once a day :)  

Thankful

In a previous post, I had mentioned how sad I was for my little girl but in fact, I'm very grateful for all that we do have and can share with her regarding her adoption.

In this month of Thanksgiving, I'd like to list just a few things I'm grateful for:

1) Noemi! For soooo many reasons. For her giggle. For her heart. For her endless energy that means she's healthy. For her anger which means she's strong-willed and hopefully will apply that in a positive manner when she grows up. For her love of learning. For her acceptance of others. Soooo many reasons.

2) I'm grateful for meeting Rosita.  Very few intercountry adoptive parents have that privilege. We may have had our issues but I had the opportunity to see Rosita and Noemi together in the good and in the bad. I was able to truly understand how and why Noemi became our daughter. I was able to hold the hand of the women who gave us the greatest privilege ever, that of parenting beautiful Noemi. 

3) I'm grateful for knowing Noemi's medical history.  If something were ever to arise, I'm grateful we have the referral report and we were able to chat with Grandpa Peter. He has already given us insight into how and why he adopted Rosita and that's invaluable information. 

4) I'm grateful for our wonderfully supportive family. Every single person, on both sides of our families, have accepted and welcomed Noemi with open arms and with no judgement. And if they haven't, they've kept it to themselves and have never made any negative comments towards her or us. 

5) I'm grateful for our wonderfully supportive friends. Our friends, new and old, have stood by our side and helped us grow as a family. Their genuine interest in her adoption story and development has helped us understand how unique and special our little family truly is.

6) I'm grateful for those who did make inappropriate/hurtful comments. They helped me realize who is really important in our lives right now and helped me learn to stand up for my family. I also believe they didn't understand how it could hurt our feelings at a time. I honestly didn't know, myself, how sensitive we'd be to other people's comments but I'm glad we found out and now know how to react. 

7) I'm grateful for our Minnesota Marshallese group. Although, we spend most of our time chasing Noemi, I'm thankful when I can sit back, listen and learn from others going through the same things we are.  Their support and understanding is incomparable since they know exactly what you're going through in regards to birthfamily, adoption identity issues, and the general development of squirrelly toddlers and preschoolers.

8) I'm grateful for YouTube! We watch YouTube all the time to see "majuro" videos. We've learned so much about the Marshallese culture just from those videos. Noemi now knows and sings Marshallese children songs. I've been able to translate 2 of them so far and I love singing them in both languages with her. We watch beat dancing. We watch people singing. We watch people dancing and laughing. And most importantly, I think, we watch people who are happy even with the little that they have. 

I could go on and on but obviously, I have to cut the list somewhere.

We're truly blessed to have been able to adopt from such a unique program. We're blessed to be a tri-cultural family. We're blessed to add a new culture to our lives, that we honestly try to incorporate as much as we incorporate our Mexican and Swedish traditions. 

We are Thankful every. single. day.

I just like this picture :)

3 years old!

Little Noemi is officially a big 3 year old! She requested a mermaid party complete with a "chocolate cake that's pink with a mermaid". Although it was 90' outside, I think everyone had a good time :)

Who's Mimi's Mommy?

She not quite 3 years old but the questions have started.  They started easy enough, "Mommy brown. Mimi brown. Daddy pink? Mimi pink?" We explained that we all have different skin colors and tones and even though Mommy and Mimi are brown, we are different browns and that's ok because that makes us each special.

But yesterday's question caught me off guard.

Noemi and I were in the kitchen. While I prepared dinner, Mimi played with the magnets and pictures on the fridge.  We have random pieces of Mimi art and family pictures of cousins, grandparents and friends at her eye level. We also have a picture of Rosita (Noemi's birthmom) holding Mimi as an infant.  I noticed that she had stopped playing and was studying the picture.  I explained like I had many times in the past, "That's Mama Rosita and baby Mimi!" She stared at the picture and with tears in her eyes asked "Rosita Mimi's mommy?" There was so much sadness and confusion in her voice.  My heart ached for my little girl as I watched it all dawn on her that she had another mommy who was not here.  I knelt down next to my princess and answered, "Yes, you have two mommies.  When you were a baby, you were in Mama Rosita's tummy." She leaned into me and hugged me but continued staring at the picture.  I continued, "she loved you so much she wanted to share you with mommy and daddy so you could live in Minnesota instead of Majuro".  She hugged me tighter and buried her head into my shoulder. We sat there for a few moments holding each other then she sighed and let go.  I asked her if she was sad and she said "yes".  I told her that everyone on that fridge loved her very much and that it was ok if she was sad.  She laughed, stretched and called me a pickle head.  All was right again in the world of a 2 year old. 

I'm not sure if I answered her question in accordance with the adoption books; I'm not sure if it even made any sense to her.  All I know is that the questions are starting and it makes me sad.  I'm sad that I don't know what to say. I'm sad that she was so hurt. I'm sad that at 2 years old she's trying to process her identity. Like most adoptive parents, I had rehearsed a million times in my head what I would say when that first question came. I always pictured it as a casual, "Mommy, when I was a baby, was I in your tummy?" kinda question. Then I would casually reply,"No, my tummy was broken and Mama Rosita loved you so much she decided it would be nice to share you with us"- or something along those lines. I never pictured kneeling on my kitchen floor hugging my sad 2 year old. 

We have not skyped with our birthmother like others families have. I'm wondering if it is now time. We've expressed interest before but have not been able to set up a time.  I think she needs to be reassured that she's loved and that Rosita is ok. We talk about Majuro and tell her the story of when we went to Majuro on an airplane (she loves airplanes!) to bring her home.  I have a feeling the next time I tell the story she's going to be listening more intently and ask more questions. 

We're on this journey together. Sometimes we'll laugh and I guess sometimes we'll cry but we'll do it as a family. A family that God created for a reason. 

Learn more about The Marshall Islands

Here's a link to the Marshall Island's Visitor Authority's website and their latest visitor guide: http://www.visitmarshallislands.com/images/download/MIVA-GUIDE-2013.pdf Lots of cool information about the RMI and beautiful pictures too.