Loss of a Birthmother

Recently, our family learned the wonderful news that my mother-in-law was contacted by a son who she had made an adoption plan for some 50 years ago. She was ecstatic to say the least. She explained that that was why she always had a special place in her heart for our little Noemi.  She loved watching us interact with her and just genuinely and naturally love her and that she prayed that he also experienced that kind of unconditional love from his parents.

My mother-in-law was able to meet her biological son on Saturday, May 12th, 2018, the day before Mother's Day. They had a beautiful intimate meeting, just the two of them like she had wanted and dreamed about for years. Sadly and unexpectedly, she passed away the following night. Noemi has lost her bubu (Marshallese for grandmother) and with this untimely passing has come a whole new series of questions regarding her own birthmother.

When we first told Noemi about her "new" uncle she was shocked (as we all were!), upset, confused and happy. She said she wanted to be the only adopted one because that made her special.  She wanted to know every detail about when and how he was going to meet Bubu. She wanted to know when she was going to meet him and did he know that she had a birthmom too. She wanted to know why my mother-in-law choose not to parent. We answered what we could and were able to meet my brother-in-law ourselves on Mother's Day.

Then she passed away.  Noemi became detached, caring yet distant and we could tell something was bothering her but she wouldn't talk about it.  We asked if she was sad about Bubu. She said she was sad but wasn't sure if it was because Bubu passed away or something else.  We gave her time. A couple nights later, she was able to tell us why she was upset. "Will Mama Rosita die after I meet her too? Is she still alive? What if she dies before I meet her? We need to go to Majuro now so I can see her before she dies!"  

Once again, as it has many many times on this journey, my heart ached for my little girl and I had few answers. Noemi was angry with God for doing that to her new uncle. For letting them meet then taking her away.  She kept asking if he was going to the viewing, if he was ok, who told him that she had passed away. And she kept worrying about not making it to Majuro in time. I offered to set up a FaceTime with Mama Rosita so she could at least see her that way but she didn't want to.  She wanted to fly out that very night. After the tears dried up and her mind relaxed, she understood that God needed his angel back and she'll go to Majuro when it's the right time. (We had initially planned on going this summer but she asked that we wait to go until we she was 10. She didn’t feel she was ready now. Her wisdom and maturity stuns us sometimes.)

She has moved on like the resilient child she is.  She is learning about life and death as we all did, with the births and deaths of our loved ones. But she’s also learning something I never had to: How to love and cherish someone you barely met and have no memory of and how she would process the news that might come from across the ocean one day.

I know how Noemi processes and I’m afraid that she’s going to hold back loving Mama Rosita to protect herself from what may come. We will need to help her nurture that love which honestly will be difficult as we don’t know much about her either.  But for now we just need to comfort her in her two losses; the loss of her Bubu and the loss of a relationship with her birthmother.

Who's Mimi's Mommy?

She not quite 3 years old but the questions have started.  They started easy enough, "Mommy brown. Mimi brown. Daddy pink? Mimi pink?" We explained that we all have different skin colors and tones and even though Mommy and Mimi are brown, we are different browns and that's ok because that makes us each special.

But yesterday's question caught me off guard.

Noemi and I were in the kitchen. While I prepared dinner, Mimi played with the magnets and pictures on the fridge.  We have random pieces of Mimi art and family pictures of cousins, grandparents and friends at her eye level. We also have a picture of Rosita (Noemi's birthmom) holding Mimi as an infant.  I noticed that she had stopped playing and was studying the picture.  I explained like I had many times in the past, "That's Mama Rosita and baby Mimi!" She stared at the picture and with tears in her eyes asked "Rosita Mimi's mommy?" There was so much sadness and confusion in her voice.  My heart ached for my little girl as I watched it all dawn on her that she had another mommy who was not here.  I knelt down next to my princess and answered, "Yes, you have two mommies.  When you were a baby, you were in Mama Rosita's tummy." She leaned into me and hugged me but continued staring at the picture.  I continued, "she loved you so much she wanted to share you with mommy and daddy so you could live in Minnesota instead of Majuro".  She hugged me tighter and buried her head into my shoulder. We sat there for a few moments holding each other then she sighed and let go.  I asked her if she was sad and she said "yes".  I told her that everyone on that fridge loved her very much and that it was ok if she was sad.  She laughed, stretched and called me a pickle head.  All was right again in the world of a 2 year old. 

I'm not sure if I answered her question in accordance with the adoption books; I'm not sure if it even made any sense to her.  All I know is that the questions are starting and it makes me sad.  I'm sad that I don't know what to say. I'm sad that she was so hurt. I'm sad that at 2 years old she's trying to process her identity. Like most adoptive parents, I had rehearsed a million times in my head what I would say when that first question came. I always pictured it as a casual, "Mommy, when I was a baby, was I in your tummy?" kinda question. Then I would casually reply,"No, my tummy was broken and Mama Rosita loved you so much she decided it would be nice to share you with us"- or something along those lines. I never pictured kneeling on my kitchen floor hugging my sad 2 year old. 

We have not skyped with our birthmother like others families have. I'm wondering if it is now time. We've expressed interest before but have not been able to set up a time.  I think she needs to be reassured that she's loved and that Rosita is ok. We talk about Majuro and tell her the story of when we went to Majuro on an airplane (she loves airplanes!) to bring her home.  I have a feeling the next time I tell the story she's going to be listening more intently and ask more questions. 

We're on this journey together. Sometimes we'll laugh and I guess sometimes we'll cry but we'll do it as a family. A family that God created for a reason.